Disappointed

Can I be brutally honest? 

Sometimes I feel like my kids are such disappointments.

Can’t help feeling that way when I try so hard to do something for them. For example, teaching and encouraging M to talk. I asked her to repeat what I say but she just shrugged, refused or said something else 😬

I try so hard but see no results.

Like all my efforts going down to the drain.

Baby also disappointed me when she doesn’t want to nurse when I have so much milk! Her refusal led to supply drop and I have to nurse her much frequently to build the supply back.

Am I horrible to feel something like this? I just can’t help the feeling.

Or maybe I’m at fault for them to be like this.

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One of Those Days

This afternoon my husband came home with news.

“They have decided,” he began excitedly about something he told me a few weeks ago about a course that would take place in the UK sometime this year. “They” are his superiors. “I got the spot”. He counted with his fingers with a grin. “A, B, C and me are selected for the course.”

You know what I felt at that moment? Like a bomb dropped, jealousy filled my heart. “That’s great!” I replied, while struggling to nurse my screaming baby. “So when will you go? For how long?”

“If there is no problem, this August.” He continued to feed our toddler. “10 days. I hope everything goes well.” I know he is excited and dying to go. Who doesn’t when someone is presented an opportunity to go oversea for free? I know I would. I would die for it. 

But rather than sharing his excitement, I’m burning with jealousy.

Good news like this has always reminded me the kind of person I’ve become after having kids. Especially now, at 3 months postpartum, my self-esteem is still at the lowest. I haven’t lost all the weight I gained from my second pregnancy – I feel fat and ugly. I’m always busy with my kids. I’m still trying to find a balance between being a wife and mother, managing chores and household and at the same time, trying to look after myself. I’m always smelled of sweat and vomit. Sometimes I forgot to wash my hair and shave, so I’m always self-conscious around my husband. I feel like I need to plan if I want to be intimate, like, you want to be intimate with me? Tell me in advance so that I could change my smelly clothes, wash my oily hair, shave the unwanted hairs, brush my teeth and put on some lotion so that I will look at least presentable if not attractive, and feel good to the touch. So you would want me and not to be turned off by me.

The days when I have low self-esteem, I will become overly sensitive and emotional. Emotional me tends to overeat and when that happens, there goes my weight. Emotional me also tends to be mean to my kids. My patience is short and when I lost it, I yell and lay my hands on them #horriblemom 

Emotional me always torturing me inside my head. It drives me crazy.

I pity the person I’ve become. I pity me.

I don’t know how to break from this vicious cycle – happy one moment, unhappy the next. I know women are generally emotional because we are powered by hormones – I guess my hormones are still haywire – but I am always like this since I was a teenager. There is always a dark corner in my mind and I will always get depressed once in a while. I am going through it right now. Jealousy, low self-esteem, exhaustion, loneliness, desires on unattainable things and attention-seeking toddler plus cranky baby dunk me back into that hole.

I’m emotionally tired and I need a holiday.

I want to be appreciated and loved, please show me.