Disappointed

Can I be brutally honest? 

Sometimes I feel like my kids are such disappointments.

Can’t help feeling that way when I try so hard to do something for them. For example, teaching and encouraging M to talk. I asked her to repeat what I say but she just shrugged, refused or said something else 😬

I try so hard but see no results.

Like all my efforts going down to the drain.

Baby also disappointed me when she doesn’t want to nurse when I have so much milk! Her refusal led to supply drop and I have to nurse her much frequently to build the supply back.

Am I horrible to feel something like this? I just can’t help the feeling.

Or maybe I’m at fault for them to be like this.

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Momster

I did so many horrible things today to my baby.

She doesn’t really nap and breastfeed well these days that’s why I always gets frustrated with her, and today, I just snapped.

She only napped for half an hour in the electric cradle and she was fussy because she didn’t get enough nap. Tried to breastfeed her hoping she could go back to her nap but she cried and screamed bloody murder. Fine. Put her down and let her be but she was cranky. Tried to put her back to nap again in the cradle but she didn’t want to stay in there. Attempted to put her to nap again by breastfeeding lying down but she screamed again. At this point, I was boiling up in anger.

So I pinched her cheek. She cried harder. Lastik her foot. I even left her in our dark bedroom with the door closed because I was afraid that I will do something sinister to her like throwing her down to the floor or smother her or something. I needed to calm down.

I just can’t bring myself to put up with her crankiness. I just can’t. I’m not patient enough. I found myself screaming and beating myself up in my head everytime I feel stress coming, and they always came from my children. But my toddler is better. I just can’t with my baby. Bad baby!

I think I’m falling into a depression. I feel sad and angry more than I feel joyful these days. I wonder why. Something is wrong with me because I cannot see the blessings in front of my eyes. All I see are things going wrong and failures.

That Bag is an Expensive Band-aid

It is one of those days when I feel down and not feeling motivated.

Everything is a drag.

Feeling kind of sad, too.

Some said don’t wait for someone to give you happiness but look for it yourself.

In my case, can I buy it? There is a bag I really, really want for a long time. It is expensive but I have money to buy it. If I buy it, I’ll be happy 😅

It is also one of those days where I feel incompetent as a mom.

My toddler is going to be 3 in 2 months time and she still have speech issues and is not potty-trained. She also only eats fried food and hates veges.

I look at her and see my “failure”. 

A child reflects how is she being raised (or what kind of parents she have), her teachings at home and if people see her they must think her parents (or more specifically her mom) are not very good in doing her job.

*sigh*

*cry*

Now can I buy that damn happiness?

The Last 5kg

This has been eating me out from the inside. It is sooooo hard to lose weight after the second child! With my first, I can snap back into my jeans after 3 months postpartum (or maybe earlier, I just didn’t try it) but with my second, the last 5kg is so hard to lose! I am 3kg to my pre-pregnancy weight (with second child) but I want to lose 2kg more to get my (sort of) old, before children body back. That would be ideal.

I am jealous with myself when I saw my old photos now 😂

I don’t want this skinny. It would be impossible 😂

This would be ideal. I was 3+ months postpartum with my first. 

How did I bounce back so quickly with only 1 baby to take care of? It must be because I haven’t hit 30 and my metabolism is quite good. Now with two kids, I was like a headless chicken everyday but still hard to lose weight! Must be age and slow metabolism right!

A Rant

I know it is wrong for me to say this but I get tired of my children. I love them so much, but I’m tired of them.

I’m tired of caring them, looking after them, entertaining them, cleaning up after them. I want to be with them, but not be with them, do you get what I mean?

I could not imagine a world without them but the world I’m living right now is not the best world either.

I guess, what I want is not a day off of being a mother, or even just an hour, but I just want this “job” to be a lot easier, where I would not struggle this much everyday.

I’m just rambling here because my mental is tired from holding back my emotion as my baby wails without a reason and my toddler is not behaving the way I want her to. I am close to strangling them both, this baby in particular because she just won’t.stop.crying no matter what I do. I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

One of Those Days

This afternoon my husband came home with news.

“They have decided,” he began excitedly about something he told me a few weeks ago about a course that would take place in the UK sometime this year. “They” are his superiors. “I got the spot”. He counted with his fingers with a grin. “A, B, C and me are selected for the course.”

You know what I felt at that moment? Like a bomb dropped, jealousy filled my heart. “That’s great!” I replied, while struggling to nurse my screaming baby. “So when will you go? For how long?”

“If there is no problem, this August.” He continued to feed our toddler. “10 days. I hope everything goes well.” I know he is excited and dying to go. Who doesn’t when someone is presented an opportunity to go oversea for free? I know I would. I would die for it. 

But rather than sharing his excitement, I’m burning with jealousy.

Good news like this has always reminded me the kind of person I’ve become after having kids. Especially now, at 3 months postpartum, my self-esteem is still at the lowest. I haven’t lost all the weight I gained from my second pregnancy – I feel fat and ugly. I’m always busy with my kids. I’m still trying to find a balance between being a wife and mother, managing chores and household and at the same time, trying to look after myself. I’m always smelled of sweat and vomit. Sometimes I forgot to wash my hair and shave, so I’m always self-conscious around my husband. I feel like I need to plan if I want to be intimate, like, you want to be intimate with me? Tell me in advance so that I could change my smelly clothes, wash my oily hair, shave the unwanted hairs, brush my teeth and put on some lotion so that I will look at least presentable if not attractive, and feel good to the touch. So you would want me and not to be turned off by me.

The days when I have low self-esteem, I will become overly sensitive and emotional. Emotional me tends to overeat and when that happens, there goes my weight. Emotional me also tends to be mean to my kids. My patience is short and when I lost it, I yell and lay my hands on them #horriblemom 

Emotional me always torturing me inside my head. It drives me crazy.

I pity the person I’ve become. I pity me.

I don’t know how to break from this vicious cycle – happy one moment, unhappy the next. I know women are generally emotional because we are powered by hormones – I guess my hormones are still haywire – but I am always like this since I was a teenager. There is always a dark corner in my mind and I will always get depressed once in a while. I am going through it right now. Jealousy, low self-esteem, exhaustion, loneliness, desires on unattainable things and attention-seeking toddler plus cranky baby dunk me back into that hole.

I’m emotionally tired and I need a holiday.

I want to be appreciated and loved, please show me.