I did so many horrible things today to my baby.
She doesn’t really nap and breastfeed well these days that’s why I always gets frustrated with her, and today, I just snapped.
She only napped for half an hour in the electric cradle and she was fussy because she didn’t get enough nap. Tried to breastfeed her hoping she could go back to her nap but she cried and screamed bloody murder. Fine. Put her down and let her be but she was cranky. Tried to put her back to nap again in the cradle but she didn’t want to stay in there. Attempted to put her to nap again by breastfeeding lying down but she screamed again. At this point, I was boiling up in anger.
So I pinched her cheek. She cried harder. Lastik her foot. I even left her in our dark bedroom with the door closed because I was afraid that I will do something sinister to her like throwing her down to the floor or smother her or something. I needed to calm down.
I just can’t bring myself to put up with her crankiness. I just can’t. I’m not patient enough. I found myself screaming and beating myself up in my head everytime I feel stress coming, and they always came from my children. But my toddler is better. I just can’t with my baby. Bad baby!
I think I’m falling into a depression. I feel sad and angry more than I feel joyful these days. I wonder why. Something is wrong with me because I cannot see the blessings in front of my eyes. All I see are things going wrong and failures.