Disappointed

Can I be brutally honest? 

Sometimes I feel like my kids are such disappointments.

Can’t help feeling that way when I try so hard to do something for them. For example, teaching and encouraging M to talk. I asked her to repeat what I say but she just shrugged, refused or said something else 😬

I try so hard but see no results.

Like all my efforts going down to the drain.

Baby also disappointed me when she doesn’t want to nurse when I have so much milk! Her refusal led to supply drop and I have to nurse her much frequently to build the supply back.

Am I horrible to feel something like this? I just can’t help the feeling.

Or maybe I’m at fault for them to be like this.

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Progress

I’m not losing weight as fast as I wanted but looking from the photos taken all 4 months postpartum, I did lose weight.

This is embarrassing but this is how I looked at the final weeks of my pregnancy. I was either 39 or 40 weeks – just counting the days to give birth. Really swollen and fat from all the weight I gained. I hated taking pictures during that time but I just took this single photo as…I dunno…reminder, I guess. I totally lost my jawline – even my mom noticed that and pointed that out – I was really round!

This was around Christmas. I think I was about 1.5 months postpartum. I lost weight quicker when I’m all alone at home managing 2 kids while on confinement diet which was nothing but soup and rice. At this time, I was feeling better about myself and thought I could celebrate Christmas not looking like a whale haha

This is my recent pic. Four months postpartum. I got my jawline back!

Better angle.

Even better angle 😅

My current weight is not consistent but safe to say I was 3kg to my pre-pregnancy weight. I’ll be happy if I just lose the 3kg but my goal is to lose 5kg so that I’ll fit my old clothes better. I still haven’t been able to fit my jeans and that frustrated me a lot. With my first, I was able to at 3 months postpartum ok 😅

I don’t know what I do differently this time. To be honest, I should be losing weight faster la because basically I’m working out all the time managing 2 kids and housechores. I eat like a normal person, didn’t take seconds and snack only occassionally. I’m also exclusively breastfeeding. But the weight still drop very slowly aaaaa 😣

Slow metabolism due to age, I guess. Getting old.

It’s Here!

I finally made up my mind and decided to spend a large sum of money on a diaper bag 😂

But whatever. It makes me happy!

I actually found a very good deal on a BNWT (brand new with tag) Jujube BRB (Be Right Back) in the Hello Kitty Out to Sea print but it is too girly for my husband to carry it. Luckily I didn’t back out from the purchase and asked the seller instead if she has any BRB to let go. I don’t mind a used bag as long as it is EUC (excellent used condition). She has a few more BNWT BRB and from the few I selected The Navigator print. 

Which matches my Be Quick! 😆

I’m so thankful that H didn’t scold me or anything for buying an expensive bag. In the end, he agreed that the BRB is a good bag because it is so spacious and suitable to carry items for two kids. All these while we only used a laptop bag which is not very practical 😂😂

Anyway, I’m happy to own a Jujube bag and I guess once you own a Jujube, you will be addicted 😅

I’m keeping a close eye on the BST page on any good deal on Jujube items. I really want to own something from Tokidoki prints. The obsession continues 😅

It’s so gorgeous! Now whenever I feel sad or down, I just look at my bag and my mood will constantly lifted 😅

One this off my wishlist!

Momster

I did so many horrible things today to my baby.

She doesn’t really nap and breastfeed well these days that’s why I always gets frustrated with her, and today, I just snapped.

She only napped for half an hour in the electric cradle and she was fussy because she didn’t get enough nap. Tried to breastfeed her hoping she could go back to her nap but she cried and screamed bloody murder. Fine. Put her down and let her be but she was cranky. Tried to put her back to nap again in the cradle but she didn’t want to stay in there. Attempted to put her to nap again by breastfeeding lying down but she screamed again. At this point, I was boiling up in anger.

So I pinched her cheek. She cried harder. Lastik her foot. I even left her in our dark bedroom with the door closed because I was afraid that I will do something sinister to her like throwing her down to the floor or smother her or something. I needed to calm down.

I just can’t bring myself to put up with her crankiness. I just can’t. I’m not patient enough. I found myself screaming and beating myself up in my head everytime I feel stress coming, and they always came from my children. But my toddler is better. I just can’t with my baby. Bad baby!

I think I’m falling into a depression. I feel sad and angry more than I feel joyful these days. I wonder why. Something is wrong with me because I cannot see the blessings in front of my eyes. All I see are things going wrong and failures.

Ambition and Books

If there is a job that I can do from home, it would be writing.

I would like to write a book but my head is blank. I don’t have any ideas and if there is any, it is not original 😅

How awesome it is if I can write a book and be successful like J.K. Rowling! Harry Potter is one of the series that I read over and over again. If I read one book, I will surely read all seven of them and watch the movies, too. That’s how addictive Harry Potter is to me.

There is another series of book that I’m addicted to. I just discovered it last year and I am so glad to discover that all the books in the series were finished and I was able to binge read through all of them!

It was the Riyria Chronicles and Riyria Revelations by Michael J. Sullivan. There were 3 omnibooks (2 books in 1 novel) in the Chronicles and 3 books in the Revelations. That means 9 books total and if I start to read one, I will surely read all of them because reading one just makes me want to read more 😁

The authors of these books are just too damn good or what! I wonder where do they get their inspirations 🤔 They are just so creative! Their writing skills are great and I just love the world they created!

How to become like them? 😂

My First Jujube!

FINALLY!!!

I own a Jujube 😁

I’m starting small. This is only a Be Quick so it’s not so expensive.

Futhermore, I bought if from a BST page so it was way cheaper than retail price.

So so happy with my purchase!

I see it as a start of a collection. I’m eyeing that page everyday so if I see something worth buying, for example, a BRB sold for only RM500 in my favourite print I will buy it 😅

I’m procrastinating for so long already 😂 I have missed so many good bags with excellent price because I was unsure whether to buy or not.

I won’t stall anymore next time? 😅

That Bag is an Expensive Band-aid

It is one of those days when I feel down and not feeling motivated.

Everything is a drag.

Feeling kind of sad, too.

Some said don’t wait for someone to give you happiness but look for it yourself.

In my case, can I buy it? There is a bag I really, really want for a long time. It is expensive but I have money to buy it. If I buy it, I’ll be happy 😅

It is also one of those days where I feel incompetent as a mom.

My toddler is going to be 3 in 2 months time and she still have speech issues and is not potty-trained. She also only eats fried food and hates veges.

I look at her and see my “failure”. 

A child reflects how is she being raised (or what kind of parents she have), her teachings at home and if people see her they must think her parents (or more specifically her mom) are not very good in doing her job.

*sigh*

*cry*

Now can I buy that damn happiness?