The Last 5kg

This has been eating me out from the inside. It is sooooo hard to lose weight after the second child! With my first, I can snap back into my jeans after 3 months postpartum (or maybe earlier, I just didn’t try it) but with my second, the last 5kg is so hard to lose! I am 3kg to my pre-pregnancy weight (with second child) but I want to lose 2kg more to get my (sort of) old, before children body back. That would be ideal.

I am jealous with myself when I saw my old photos now 😂

I don’t want this skinny. It would be impossible 😂

This would be ideal. I was 3+ months postpartum with my first. 

How did I bounce back so quickly with only 1 baby to take care of? It must be because I haven’t hit 30 and my metabolism is quite good. Now with two kids, I was like a headless chicken everyday but still hard to lose weight! Must be age and slow metabolism right!

Random Favourite

I want to share something very random that is my favourite.

A jug! Haha 😅

From the looks of it, there is nothing fancy about it. It is not the most beautiful jug. It is only made of plastic, not glass, seramic or fancy china. But why do I like it?

Because it is SO FREAKING AWESOME. 

If you make coffee at 8AM, it will still warm(ish) at 11AM. I never test how long it could make the coffee warm, but I think it could keep coffee (er, anything) at a nice temperature to drink around 2 hours.

How it looks like inside. Again, nothing fancy-shmancy. Just a smooth surface, no crevices whatsoever that makes it so easy to wash.

And the best part is, it only cost me RM15.90! 

The secret. The jug is polyurethane insulated that’s why it is able to keep drinks hot and cold! It comes in 2 sizes; mine is the smallest at 1.3L but it is perfect for the both of us.

The best jug to make kupi Tenom!

A Rant

I know it is wrong for me to say this but I get tired of my children. I love them so much, but I’m tired of them.

I’m tired of caring them, looking after them, entertaining them, cleaning up after them. I want to be with them, but not be with them, do you get what I mean?

I could not imagine a world without them but the world I’m living right now is not the best world either.

I guess, what I want is not a day off of being a mother, or even just an hour, but I just want this “job” to be a lot easier, where I would not struggle this much everyday.

I’m just rambling here because my mental is tired from holding back my emotion as my baby wails without a reason and my toddler is not behaving the way I want her to. I am close to strangling them both, this baby in particular because she just won’t.stop.crying no matter what I do. I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

Introducing Baby #2: Labour & Delivery Story

Haven’t properly introduced her to the blogging world, though, I doubt many would read this blog – I like my blog to be public but with a small audience haha 😅

I delivered my second baby on the 9th November 2016, at 1.01AM, exactly 1 hour past my due date. I have been having contractions all day on my due date which is on the 8th. At 6PM, I asked my parents to send me to the hospital because the contractions were regular and getting stronger. Upon admission, I was only 2cm dilated but the hospital admitted me right away.

Indeed, the contractions were getting stronger. Everytime I felt the wave I feel like I have to stand still and hold my breath. The nurses noticed my pain and around 11PM+, I was checked for dilation again. I was 4cm and at 11.30PM, they sent me to the labour room. I was shocked I was only 4cm though because the contractions were sooooo painful.

Not long after I arrived in the labour room, the doctor broke my water. What happen next happened so fast. My contraction pain seem like doubled or tripled, coming in waves after waves. If I had to describe the pain, it was as if a knife was slicing my belly from the inside over and over again. The pain was sharp and fast and strong. I still shudder whenever I think about it because it was so unlike my first time. 

Around 12.30AM, I feel like I wanted to poop and I pooped for real 😅 I called the doctor and told him I had pooped and I said I couldn’t stand it anymore and I wanted to push. He checked my dilation and you know what? It was already 9cm! No wonder the pain was so intense! I feel like I could die right then.

They prepared me for labour but at that time, I was already exhausted from the contraction pain. I had no energy to push because I didn’t eat dinner (big mistake!) But I don’t have any other choice – I have to do it anyway. I pushed and pushed and many times during labour I feel like I wanted to give up because it was hard, my technique was wrong, I had no energy to do it, etc. I requested for vacuum but they encouraged me to do it naturally. I kept repeating “I can’t do it” and I think I even cried a little because I feel useless for not being able to find the strength to push my baby out.

*I found out later from my sister (she is a nurse there; the doctor and a few of the nurses on duty that night were her friends) that the doctor had booked an operation room just in case 😱

But at last, when they saw the head, I feel like it is not long now. When the next contraction came, I held my breath as long as I could and kept pushing until the head is out. The shoulder is next and the rest of the body and I successfully delivered my baby!

She was only 3.1kg but the experience or birthing her 😱

People said it is easier to give birth to your second child and the next comparing to the first, but I disagree. It is still hard, still painful, and still give you a near-death experience. And I don’t know why, but I can feel every inch of the pain during this second childbirth. I can feel exactly when her head came out, I felt the “ring of fire” (didn’t feel that with my first), I felt my skin tear, I felt EVERYTHING. It was a very vivid experience for me.

Baby #2 came out to this world crying loudly 😁 Although I feel a tiny bit disappointed that she was indeed a girl, I fell in love right away with her. I’m a fool if I don’t after all those sweat, blood and tears.

Welcome to the world, Baby #2! She looks a lot like her sister at first but at 3 months young, they look completely different 😅

 

Wishlist

Just let me fantasize about these items because they are crazy expensive and I cannot justify myself buying them even though I really really want them 😂

1. 4Moms Bounceroo

Just a bouncer without any special features besides looking SO FREAKING NICE. It has 3 different rythmic bounces (bee, waves, heartbeat) with 3 speed levels (low, medium, high). It retails for RM999 on Littlewhiz.com, isn’t that crazy? But I know it is expensive because of the brand. Actually it is quite affordable now because it is currently on sale for RM399 but the sale will end in 26 hours so go cry 😂 

I have some money saved up and I will definitely buy this if my baby is still a newborn or a month-old or so, but buying this item today won’t benefit me for long. Baby A will start crawling soon and I don’t see she will like being in that bouncer. She doesn’t like being cradled in my arms, doesn’t like sitting on my lap and definitely hates lying down on the mattress. She absolutely loves “standing” and doesn’t mind being on her tummy. She likes it when she can see what’s happening around her.

So, no buying this bounceroo for now even though it is on SALE. Ohmagaddd…so hard to let this go 😂

Or I could just buy it and save it for our next child? Hahaha.

2. Jujube BFF Diaper Bag

This bag is so crazy expensive depending on the pattern. The Legacy collection’s price is expecially ridiculous. The highest price I saw from various websites is RM899 and the lowest RM689 😱

Okay la. I cannot afford to buy it brand new so why don’t buy preloved ones, right? Wrong! Even preloved Jujube bags are still expensive! The price is still around RM500-700 for bags that are in a very, very good condition or almost new. So cry a river haha 😂

I did found cheap preloved Jujube BFF but the pattern is not my favourite. And yes, even that still retail for RM400 or so 😒

3. Ergobaby Adapt

I remember lusting over this when Baby A is still a newborn and I was all alone at home during my confinement with her and my toddler. I remember needing extra hands whenever I have to manage her sister or doing something like cooking or simply sweeping the floor. At that time, Ergobaby Adapt just came out on the market and not widely available in Malaysia so it was super super expensive. I really really wanted this carrier then because I don’t know how to use the traditional hambin, not owning a wrap which was so suitable to carry a newborn, and all I know about baby carrier is just SSC. 

So naturally, when a SSC came out that can be used from newborn age, I gravitated towards it in an instant. Also, Cheesie whom I first saw using really influenced me because she could get so much things done using the Adapt! But this is very expensive tho. The original Ergobaby is already so expensive so of course the Adapt is more expensive.

It retails for RM699 on Littlewhiz but it is on sale now for RM559.20. Such a good deal! DH, can I buy it? 😢

My Boba 4G still works fine but it was a little worn now and the rubber bands are all stretched out. Out of the items I listed here, I might buy the Adapt first. Or if not, other SSC because…I just want a new one hehe 😅

For now, keep on saving money 😂

Growth Spurt?

The past few days has been difficult. 

Baby A cries a lot more than usual. Before nursing, cry. During nursing, cry. After nursing, cry. 

Lay a few minutes on her back, cry. Tired of sitting on either me or husband’s lap, cry. Nobody talks to her, cry. 

Sleepy, cry. Hungry, cry. Nurse her, cry. The cycle repeats 😧

I am so.damn.tired of her fussiness that I feel like strangling her or throwing her out of the window #horriblemom

I don’t mean it, of course. I’m just frustrated.

For now, to me, she is a diva. Not a baby. A DIVA.

*sigh*

*take a deep breath*

Baby A just turned 3 month old (young? old?) so from what I read, she is probably going through another growth spurt. I don’t know what development will occur or milestone that she will meet – I’ve deleted Wonder Weeks – but I know for sure her current fussiness is frustrating!

She doesn’t want to be put down for long. She doesn’t want to lay on her back and she doesn’t want to sit on our laps anymore – she wants to STAND. Seriously. On her wobbly feet 😂 She is okay on her tummy but she is still not strong enough so she always hits her face on the pillow or mattress after a few minutes. She likes to watch her big sister play. She’d like to join but she is still a baby and big sis always ignore her, poor thing.

And when she nurses, she cries when the milk flows too fast. She also cries when the milk is too slow. She cries when the milk comes when she doesn’t want milk anymore but still want to suck. Give her pacifier, she refuses. She only wants the real deal 😩

So hard to please the Diva 😧

She fights sleep now ohmagaaaad. She sleepier she is, the crankiness she will be 😧😧 She only sleeps or naps when she really could not stand being awake anymore 😖

Can’t wait for this phase to pass. I hardly can keep up with the demand!

One of Those Days

This afternoon my husband came home with news.

“They have decided,” he began excitedly about something he told me a few weeks ago about a course that would take place in the UK sometime this year. “They” are his superiors. “I got the spot”. He counted with his fingers with a grin. “A, B, C and me are selected for the course.”

You know what I felt at that moment? Like a bomb dropped, jealousy filled my heart. “That’s great!” I replied, while struggling to nurse my screaming baby. “So when will you go? For how long?”

“If there is no problem, this August.” He continued to feed our toddler. “10 days. I hope everything goes well.” I know he is excited and dying to go. Who doesn’t when someone is presented an opportunity to go oversea for free? I know I would. I would die for it. 

But rather than sharing his excitement, I’m burning with jealousy.

Good news like this has always reminded me the kind of person I’ve become after having kids. Especially now, at 3 months postpartum, my self-esteem is still at the lowest. I haven’t lost all the weight I gained from my second pregnancy – I feel fat and ugly. I’m always busy with my kids. I’m still trying to find a balance between being a wife and mother, managing chores and household and at the same time, trying to look after myself. I’m always smelled of sweat and vomit. Sometimes I forgot to wash my hair and shave, so I’m always self-conscious around my husband. I feel like I need to plan if I want to be intimate, like, you want to be intimate with me? Tell me in advance so that I could change my smelly clothes, wash my oily hair, shave the unwanted hairs, brush my teeth and put on some lotion so that I will look at least presentable if not attractive, and feel good to the touch. So you would want me and not to be turned off by me.

The days when I have low self-esteem, I will become overly sensitive and emotional. Emotional me tends to overeat and when that happens, there goes my weight. Emotional me also tends to be mean to my kids. My patience is short and when I lost it, I yell and lay my hands on them #horriblemom 

Emotional me always torturing me inside my head. It drives me crazy.

I pity the person I’ve become. I pity me.

I don’t know how to break from this vicious cycle – happy one moment, unhappy the next. I know women are generally emotional because we are powered by hormones – I guess my hormones are still haywire – but I am always like this since I was a teenager. There is always a dark corner in my mind and I will always get depressed once in a while. I am going through it right now. Jealousy, low self-esteem, exhaustion, loneliness, desires on unattainable things and attention-seeking toddler plus cranky baby dunk me back into that hole.

I’m emotionally tired and I need a holiday.

I want to be appreciated and loved, please show me.